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Posted as: “Quip”
Hmm, a Kindle comes with a little getting started booklet that's printed on paper. How retro.
@whiskeyfingers @bearcatsah I got outwitted by Tweetie Bird again! #sufferingSuccotashWednesday
Good lord I just bought a camera that makes images on light-sensitive film. Technology is cyclical, right?
Just made grilled cheese, which I then wrapped in cheese and grilled. Also there was bacon. If my heart explodes, know that I died happy
"So, is there some kind of sporting event happening right now?" - Every smartass on Twitter
Thanks to Google and YouTube, I now know that I wasn't the first person ever who wanted to play "Teenage Dream" on a ukulele
"Win the future" sounds like something poorly translated from a Japanese video game
Rejected idea for the wedding #57: After a fine performance of the vows, the newlyweds get the customary drenching of unity Gatorade
Weird, my personality didn't change when my Zodiac sign did. Almost like astrology was total horseshit or something.
Pup escaped on our walk. Had to clomp through the woods to catch him. Plus side: I discovered where local teens hide out and drink beer
Whoa! Roger Sterling in blackface! #wayBehindOnMadMen
I can think of no better metaphor for pet ownership than the puppy getting into a purse and literally eating money.
While you're celebrating the end of Don't Ask Don't Tell, be sure to take a moment to thank musical activist Katy Perry
Watching "Twilight." YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT SCREW YOU I'M ON VACATION
Got a comment that my work "fails badly." Going forward, I will try to fail spectacularly. Or at least with a little swagger.
Whelp, the smoke detector works
Thought there was fly on my monitor and swatted the hell out of it. It was the mouse pointer. Time to lay off the caffeine.
SCOOP: Olbermann also contributed funds to a co-op board on behalf of his cat, Miss Precious Perfect http://huff.to/L7wFR
#tweetyour16yearoldself You will eventually see Britney Spears naked. I know this sounds weird now, but you won't enjoy it.
#tweetyour16yearoldself Good news: The world hasn't ended! Bad news: You're still not getting laid any time soon.
If you have drugs that make your dog a little loopy, is it wrong to give 'em to him so we can get a Halloween costume on him?
If your dog starts drinking out of the toilet, you win no points with your fiancee if you piss all over it to mark your territory
I'm having a moment of Pink paradox: I want to get both fancy AND dance-y.
Chiropractor says my spine is too bendy in some places, not bendy enough in others. Just like an amateur stripper.
On the plus side, "Guatemalan Syphilis Experiment" would be an excellent name for a metal band
Judging from the online reaction, I thought the new iTunes logo was going to be a murdered-puppy pizza with communism sauce
@kayayarai For the same reason, I've been wanting to rent that Sandra Bullock movie "The Net," that's of the same vintage
Well I can't think of a more depressing thing than buying sympathy cards in bulk http://twitpic.com/2i3fpr
I kind of wish that The Daily Show was on an hour earlier. Having said that, now I've never felt older.
I have fallen into what MUST be a common pattern: yesterday, I needed super glue; today, I need adhesive remover.
I'll take "things Lee didn't say after prom" for $1000 RT @kayayarai: I scored I scored I scored!!!! #hotspurs
A teleconference I'm attending tomorrow requires RealPlayer. I was unaware this conference was taking place in 1997
Just had to move some sparklers off the counter to make room for more frozen margaritas. God bless the USA
A good way to make sure I don't read your email is to put "Required reading" in the subject
It's so damn hot. Spicy pho was a bad choice!
Can I take soccer seriously as a sport if the stadium isn't blasting "Y.M.C.A,""Rock n Roll Pt 2," or "Everybody Dance Now"??
Sex and the City 2 looks like cheap fan fiction. Just like MY fan fiction if Carrie and co. get beheaded by a band of camel-riding marauders
We buy the dog dozens if toys in every concievable shape and texture, and all he wants to play with is a discarded 2-liter Sprite bottle
There's a seminar tomorrow on "Getting Things Done with Lotus Notes." Hot tip: I get a lot more done when Lotus Notes is not open
Dear NBC: I'm in the precious 18-44 demographic, and I would watch "Bitch Hunter." Get on that.
Hey, telemarketers! Today I've spent so much time saying "No!" to the puppy that I'm desperate to say "Yes" to anything. Call me!
I'm tired of calling my puppy a "mutt." From this point forward, he's a "mixtape."
KFC is actually advertising the Double Down? Isn't that like opening the Ark of the Covenant?
I like when the puppy is sleeping because I'm reasonably certain that, at that moment, he's not piddling on the floor
[Phone call] "Is Candy there?""I, uh, think you have the wrong number.""Oh... god I hate these touch screens."
Thrown out of a bar in New York... Check.
Hey, look: proof that elections matter. I think we can all be proud of that.
Random act of kiteness? @mjvestal I was unexpectedly drive-by-loaned a kite. Should come in handy at this weekend's kite festival.
Now I can force my girlfriend to watch Point Break, from Oscar-winning director Kathryn Bigelow
Erin Andrews is wearing Duke blue. The crush is over
Theory: What if stomping on the brake and gas at the same time is Toyota's secret Konami Code to unlock 1,000 extra horsepower?
The father of this girl's baby on 16 & Pregnant is the worst human ever on MTV, which, considering I watched Jersey Shore, is saying a lot
USA v Canada hockey, followed by the two pale ice skaters attempting an Indian dance? This is officially the whitest night of sports ever
I think if I had just recently seen "Jersey Girl," I'd have been all right with Kevin Smith getting tossed off a plane #petty
I hope the final torch-bearer is Alanis Morissette! If she accidentally lit herself on fire, that would be (wait for it) ironic
The missus: "Michael on Burn Notice looks like a little like Napoleon Dynamite." Aaargh! Thanks for ruining this show, babe.
Thanks Google Buzz! I needed my Gmail inbox to be more distracting.
I want to ask Sarah Palin how her Aw shucksy, I can't talksy stuff worked out for her in the last election http://bit.ly/beIGfm
If the iPad makes it harder to create long emails or bloated presentations, I will buy one for every middle manager on Earth
Do people from Montana or West Virginia hate those Verizon/AT&T 'map' ads? Because clearly neither company gives a crap about those states
Oh boy! Now you can work on spreadsheets and pivot tables anywhere!! THAT'S THE DREAM!! #ipad
Among ways to injure yourself, "throw out back while reaching behind iMac to plug in external hard drive" must be the dweebiest
"Trapped in the Closet" is the "Godfather" of hip-hoperas
Who's got two thumbs and is so cheap that he went searching for friggin coupons to a monster truck rally? THIS guy!
Jay Leno attempted to surrender West Point to the hated British #lenofacts
Jay Leno is rich because he used a stolen time machine to give his younger self a sports almanac from the future #lenofacts
Lots of yellow caution tape around a single missing 1/8"-thick floor tile. "Careful! The floor is ... sparsely textured"
Can you put that in a Powerpoint? RT @FakeAPStylebook Avoid corporate buzzwords such as "paradigm" and "synergy." Simply use "bullshit."
If you think Conan has become a little unhinged, clearly you haven't been spending any time watching Glenn Beck
Idea: Use Monster.com to build personas and see how people use industry buzzwords. This is the only real use for Monster.com
Conan did the string dance! Didn't realize how much I missed it. #teamconanduh
Tech support 101: don't go hunting for obscure configuration errors until you've tried turning the thing off, then back on again
I don't want to live in a world where Snooki is the voice of reason
Another year, another collaboration/communication repository thing promising to solve the problems with last year's thing
The Bearcats have discovered that Urban Meyer relaxes by running up the score, rather than taking a soothing bubble bath
New Year's discovery: a lot of people have changed their numbers this year, and random people don't like getting text'd
The most ridiculous premise in The Lost Symbol? That the Redskins would make the playoffs
Johnny Mathis is on. NOW it's Christmas
Waiting for the 12:00 main event: poodles howling at the tornado warning siren
The girlfriend got me single malt scotch for Christmas. Perfect woman? Perfect woman.
Just had to ask someone if they have enough space in their email inbox. What are we using? Hotmail circa 1999?
"Mrs. Claus' Kimono" by Drive-By Truckers is now my favorite Christmas song
A ruined empire ... squalid and stupid and puffed up with phony patriotism, settling for a long slow decline. http://bit.ly/7JXXzj
Trying out the TeuxDeux application, and I'll admit it's mostly because the demo video is rather charming http://www.vimeo.com/8080943
Pbbbbt! In case you were wondering, that use-by date for the half gallon of milk was deadly accurate
Leaving the skins on for the mashed potatoes. Question: is there anything else in life that is simultaneously more lazy and more healthy?
You can get turkey at Walmart for 40 cents/lb?? Damn, that'd make a whole bird cheaper than my brine recipe
Listening to Bon Iver, making pies, and definitely not writing install guides. I win at life.
Contents of cart: Stove Top and Liquid Plumr. Glower from cashier says, "you're going to ruin someone's Thanksgiving, aren't you?"
How slow is my work laptop? The screen saver activates while the computer is shutting down
I was unprepared for how much I would hate myself after seeing the iTunes receipt proving that yes, really, I now own "Party in the USA"
Glee did a Billy Idol song, and South Park had Smurfs. The 80s are back, and somehow TV is all the better for it
Lotus team has free food? No one shows. Flu shots? Line out the door. Conclusion: People would rather get a shot than deal with more Lotus
Figures: I get a new lens and my camera immediately breaks. Now how will I take pretentious, terrible pictures?
Memphis airport is dark and cramped, like a public high school with bigger signs
I'm pretty pumped to get to go to an SEC night game. Even if it's Florida.
Worst pun of my life? "$8.99 for cloves? McCormicks sure has a wicked spice 'rack'et."
I totally started eating all this candy without letting my Mom check for razors or hypodermic needles
I started saying surfer-douche "brah" ironically ("Brah, I just caught your tasty email!"). To my horror I've come to love it
Shows for teens try to make an addiction episode, but they can't top the Saved By The Bell where Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills
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